Communication & Negotiation in New Fetish Relationships
Making It Plain and Keeping It Sane in New BDSM Partnerships
This class is taught by GRLee and P.E.T.E.
Class Description:
In many conversations with people new to kink and fetish play, P.E.T.E. and GRLee have heard the concerns and frustrations of people attempting to communicate and negotiate their needs, wants and fantasies with others. This interactive presentation is an opportunity to address some of the issues and concerns that can help us manage these important communication and negotiation processes. Based on simple, yet important questions posed and a scene negotiation demo, the participants will be guided through some of the functional and necessary considerations for sustaining fulfilling, meaningful and safe connections.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Know what YOU want from the relationship.
Are you being honest with yourself? Are you saying you want “play” but you want a “relationship”? Are you saying you want a “relationship”, but you really want “play”? Can you write down all the things you want from the connection you are creating? (if not, don’t start the negotiation). Are you overstating/overestimating your abilities or desires? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Know what kind of communicator you are.
Are you an “asker” or a “teller”? Are you a clear communicator or might you need more time to say the same things your prospective partner is saying? Are you deferring some of your own needs because you are a less confident communicator? Do you dominate conversation and not allow others to share what is important to them? Do you restate important things that people say so that you both can have clarity?
• Meet face to face with your prospective partner outside of the play environment in a place that is safe for both of you before you connect for play. Verify safety by talking to people that know your prosepective play partner. Know who they are before you play.
Are you entering into play with someone you do not know well enough? Are your sexual or other motivations clouding your mind and heart to dangers that may exist for you and/or your prospective partner? Have you shared enough information EQUALLY from the safety of your phone or computer before meeting that person? Is the place you are going to meet conducive to the discussion of the personal issues and information you have to express? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• ASK for and hear what the other person wants from the relationship and carry yourself as though you understand it.
Assumptions are dangerous in any aspect of BDSM, business or life in general. Did you understand what the other person wants? Are your definitions compatible? Does “sex” mean something different to both of you? Does “no” mean something different to both of you? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Define what the time expectations are.
Is this connection only going to happen once? Do both parties want it to extend further? When will you communicate about if it should continue or stop? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Define what the depth of relationship dynamics is.
Is there an assumption of emotional connection as time goes on? Do you want a deeper, more romantic or monogamous or committed polyamorous relationship? Is the “play” just play or is it leading to something more serious which includes the interaction you are entering into? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Own up to the power deferential from which you are operating and be clear about how it is influencing the communications.
As a sub/bottom, are you deferring to things that are deal-breakers for you from the start because you are playing a role? As a dom(me), are you able to get concessions on things that will be uncomfortable for your prospective partner because they are accepting your dominance even before the negotiation has been finalized? Are you happy about the prospect of connection because your needs and desires are foremost in spite of your prospective partner’s? Are you proud of your role as “beneficent dictator” as opposed to being a real listener?
Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Define ways in which you will assess safety and desire/ability to continue during the connection/date/play.
What are your safewords? Will your partner be physically, emotionally, intellectually able to express the safewords during the “heat” of play? Will you be ok with your partner ending the connection before it is over? Do you and/or your partner need a moderator(s) during play to be safe/comfortable? Do you have a "safe call" scheduled with someone who will check in with you, knows where you are are and if you don't call back, they or the police will show up?
• Take the time to assess, formally and/or informally, the levels of satisfaction of the connection you have created after your scene/play/date.
Did everything go as you expected? What didn’t feel right? Was one of you mistaken in your expectations? Were both of you? If it went well, what are the expectations for continuation and are there any? Are you being open to criticism, constructive or otherwise? Are you making assumptions that because you had a good time, your partner did, too? Are you making assumptions that because it “went well”, there should be another meeting?
P.E.T.E. is the creator of this document and feel free to copy, reproduce and redistribute the contents. We ask that you reference us or our fetlife/yahoo group when you do. Thank you!
This class is taught by GRLee and P.E.T.E.
Class Description:
In many conversations with people new to kink and fetish play, P.E.T.E. and GRLee have heard the concerns and frustrations of people attempting to communicate and negotiate their needs, wants and fantasies with others. This interactive presentation is an opportunity to address some of the issues and concerns that can help us manage these important communication and negotiation processes. Based on simple, yet important questions posed and a scene negotiation demo, the participants will be guided through some of the functional and necessary considerations for sustaining fulfilling, meaningful and safe connections.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Know what YOU want from the relationship.
Are you being honest with yourself? Are you saying you want “play” but you want a “relationship”? Are you saying you want a “relationship”, but you really want “play”? Can you write down all the things you want from the connection you are creating? (if not, don’t start the negotiation). Are you overstating/overestimating your abilities or desires? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Know what kind of communicator you are.
Are you an “asker” or a “teller”? Are you a clear communicator or might you need more time to say the same things your prospective partner is saying? Are you deferring some of your own needs because you are a less confident communicator? Do you dominate conversation and not allow others to share what is important to them? Do you restate important things that people say so that you both can have clarity?
• Meet face to face with your prospective partner outside of the play environment in a place that is safe for both of you before you connect for play. Verify safety by talking to people that know your prosepective play partner. Know who they are before you play.
Are you entering into play with someone you do not know well enough? Are your sexual or other motivations clouding your mind and heart to dangers that may exist for you and/or your prospective partner? Have you shared enough information EQUALLY from the safety of your phone or computer before meeting that person? Is the place you are going to meet conducive to the discussion of the personal issues and information you have to express? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• ASK for and hear what the other person wants from the relationship and carry yourself as though you understand it.
Assumptions are dangerous in any aspect of BDSM, business or life in general. Did you understand what the other person wants? Are your definitions compatible? Does “sex” mean something different to both of you? Does “no” mean something different to both of you? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Define what the time expectations are.
Is this connection only going to happen once? Do both parties want it to extend further? When will you communicate about if it should continue or stop? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Define what the depth of relationship dynamics is.
Is there an assumption of emotional connection as time goes on? Do you want a deeper, more romantic or monogamous or committed polyamorous relationship? Is the “play” just play or is it leading to something more serious which includes the interaction you are entering into? Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Own up to the power deferential from which you are operating and be clear about how it is influencing the communications.
As a sub/bottom, are you deferring to things that are deal-breakers for you from the start because you are playing a role? As a dom(me), are you able to get concessions on things that will be uncomfortable for your prospective partner because they are accepting your dominance even before the negotiation has been finalized? Are you happy about the prospect of connection because your needs and desires are foremost in spite of your prospective partner’s? Are you proud of your role as “beneficent dictator” as opposed to being a real listener?
Are your expectations reasonable for the level of connection you have with the person you are negotiating with?
• Define ways in which you will assess safety and desire/ability to continue during the connection/date/play.
What are your safewords? Will your partner be physically, emotionally, intellectually able to express the safewords during the “heat” of play? Will you be ok with your partner ending the connection before it is over? Do you and/or your partner need a moderator(s) during play to be safe/comfortable? Do you have a "safe call" scheduled with someone who will check in with you, knows where you are are and if you don't call back, they or the police will show up?
• Take the time to assess, formally and/or informally, the levels of satisfaction of the connection you have created after your scene/play/date.
Did everything go as you expected? What didn’t feel right? Was one of you mistaken in your expectations? Were both of you? If it went well, what are the expectations for continuation and are there any? Are you being open to criticism, constructive or otherwise? Are you making assumptions that because you had a good time, your partner did, too? Are you making assumptions that because it “went well”, there should be another meeting?
P.E.T.E. is the creator of this document and feel free to copy, reproduce and redistribute the contents. We ask that you reference us or our fetlife/yahoo group when you do. Thank you!
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